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This program
is rated 14 ,
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and contains scenes of
violence, coarse language,
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and mature subject matter.
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Viewer discretion is advised.
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My name is Jordan.
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I'm a financial analyst
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and a hopeless romantic.
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And I'm here to fall in love.
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So, unfortunately,
I am going home.
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Um, she found out I was
Asian right away.
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Uh, but which is understandable.
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And, um...
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And no worries.
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Uh, we'll see where
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the journey of love
takes me next.
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Um...
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♪ It's 1:00 a.m.,
we've come this far ♪
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Yeah, no worries.
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Hush. Don't wake him.
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He'll be having
his night terrors soon.
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Oh.
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It's almost time.
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You're about to enter a realm.
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A realm of desire, dread,
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fantasy,
dreams and nightmares,
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hopes and horrors.
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Welcome to
"The Terrors."
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What's wrong
with David?
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Oh, he gets like this
around his birthday.
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Yeah, but don't worry.
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We got a little surprise
to cheer him up.
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Oh, yeah?
What's the surprise?
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Okay, so, you know
how much he loves magic
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and Harry Potter?
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Oh, yeah.
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Okay, so we got him
a letter from Hogwarts
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saying that he got in.
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That's so sweet.
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I know.
Yeah. Oh.
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It's coming down the chimney
right now.
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Oh. Okay.
Oh.
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Hon, something just
came down the chimney for you.
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What is it?
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Um, it's a letter
from Hogwarts.
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Ooh!
Ooh!
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"Dear Mr. David Santos,"
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we are pleased to inform you
that you have been accepted...
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to Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
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Apologies for the delay.
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Your letter was stuck in
an owl's nest for a few decades.
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Term begins 1 September.
Minerva McGonagall."
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Yay!
Whoo!
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Happy birthday.
Yay!
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I always knew I was special.
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And you all
thought I was a loser.
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But look at me now.
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I'm a wizard.
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Yeah, David, you do know
that that's not--
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Shut the fuck up,
Marisa.
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Oh.
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Our whole lives,
you pitied me.
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Mom and dad, too.
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I mean, they love
you more, right?
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Do you deny it?
They love you more.
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And it's just
because you're cuter.
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But now I pity you,
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you Muggle slut.
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Whoa!
Whoa. Sweetie...
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Yeah, sweetie.
Kathleen, my wife,
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who recoils
when I touch her.
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Sorry. Should I
not have told them?
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I bet they know.
They can tell. Right?
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You can tell
I don't have sex.
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Guess what.
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I don't have to pretend
to love you anymore.
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I'm going to Hogwarts.
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It's fake.
It's a joke gift, David.
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What?
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Jesus Christ.
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Dude, you are a
35-year-old
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Filipino man.
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Why would you get
a letter to Hogwarts?
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Because there was a mix-up.
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The letter got stuck in
an owl's nest.
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It said so.
It said so in the letter!
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Look, why don't we just--
Get the fuck away from me!
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Da-- Oh, my God.
Oh!
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David!
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Slow down.
Hand me the poker.
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Avada Kedavra!
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Did you just try to kill me?
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No.
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I see a broomstick.
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Okay.
I see a br--
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Okay.
Da-- David...
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Best to take it
at a run.
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No! No, no, no!
David!
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You're a wizard, David!
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Really?!
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I guess I do kind of
look like Dan Schneider.
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No.
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Okay, you guys.
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This morning, Riley asked
if I wanted any
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hot ergonomics tips.
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Ew!
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Isn't that--
What are you doing?
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What are you doing?
She's so weird.
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Come on, guys.
Riley's... nice.
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Okay, so go
eat lunch with her
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and get some sexy
ergonomics tips.
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Oh, my God.
Jordan, here's your chance.
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She's coming,
she's coming, she's coming.
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Good afternoon.
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Hey, Riley.
What's up?
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Oh. Nothing much. I'm having
a dinner party on Friday.
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College friends, conversation.
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Just a
standard dinner party.
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So, are you
inviting us?
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Oh, right.
Yeah, if you want.
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I mean,
it's just a dinner party.
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Nothing different about it.
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No performing arts of any kind.
Just standard conversation.
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What?
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Right.
Actually, you know,
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Jordan was looking for
some Friday night plans.
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Isn't that right, Jordan?
No, I wasn't.
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You don't have to come.
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It's just a dinner party.
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I just wanted to
make that clear
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that I'm having a very standard
dinner party, nothing more.
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Oh, my God!
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Okay. Come on.
Guys, that was mean.
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Okay, so go to
her dinner party then.
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You know what?
Maybe I will.
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You're such a hero.
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Fine. Go.
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Enjoy yourself.
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Bye.
Your funeral.
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Hey, Riley. Um...
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I'm sorry about those guys.
They, uh...
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You've just had a breakthrough!
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Oh. What's that?
HeadKings.
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It's a combo online talk
therapy/sports-betting app.
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Oh, nice.
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Um, so, I'd love to come
to your dinner party on Friday.
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You would?
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Yeah.
It sounds fun.
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Uh, should I
bring anything or...
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Uh, maybe some waters.
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Oh, okay.
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Hey!
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It's, uh-- It's me,
Jordan from-- from work.
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I'm here for
the dinner party.
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Of course.
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So sorry.
Brain fog.
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Please, come in.
Can I take your coat?
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Oh. Uh...
I'm not wearing a coat.
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Oh, right, right.
Of course. Very good.
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Wow!
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Um, so, you said this was going
to be your college friends?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, I told
everyone 7:00.
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They must be running
a little bit late.
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Hey, man, do I have
your consent to engage
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in some deep talk?
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Like heart-to-heart stuff.
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Oh, sure.
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Okay. Great.
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Meet me in the living room.
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You got to keep this on the DL,
but you're cool, so between us?
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I've got something
cooking tonight.
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What?
I got something
cooking tonight.
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But it's gotta stay
between us, okay?
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Fight Club rules.
Yeah, sure.
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You know how you're not allowed
to host any poetry readings that
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aren't officially sanctioned
by the Slammers Union?
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No.
The Slammers Union?
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00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:24,834
The Slammers Union
has an iron fist
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on all the poetry readings
in the city, okay?
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They run this town.
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They're like the Sopranos,
only violent.
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But honestly, dude,
they're threatened.
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They're threatened by
up-and-coming talent like me.
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And I'm fucking sick of it.
So tonight, we rise up.
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We?
Like a big F-you
to the Slammers Union.
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Our own secret reading.
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Okay. Um...
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Riley, listen,
I'm not much of a poetry guy.
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Keep your voice down.
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The Slammers Union
cannot find out about this,
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or else.
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Or else what?
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They'll slam us.
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Oh, shit! Okay.
Show's in five minutes.
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I gotta go in
the greenroom.
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Remember,
Fight Club rules.
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Thank you, thank you!
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Who's ready
for some slam poetry?
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Slam poetry deserves
to be free and uncaged.
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00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,533
Tonight is our revolution.
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Uh, excited to share
a new work.
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It's called
"Welcome to My World of Piss."
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Why do people lie.
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Tell me if you dare to try.
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Why can't they
look me in the eye?
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Right before they say,
"Bye-bye."
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Today, I will journey
my imagination reverie.
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00:08:45,867 --> 00:08:49,533
Blonde, brunette, redhead,
what shall I be?
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00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:51,033
Did you know
that I can talk to guns?
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00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:54,066
Mommy, daddy,
does that sound fun?
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00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,600
Ooh, I've got an idea,
President Bush.
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00:08:57,767 --> 00:08:59,667
Why don't you rank
all the racist faces?
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00:08:59,834 --> 00:09:03,533
One black, two white,
three Filipino.
214
00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:05,166
Filipino?
What does he know?
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00:09:05,333 --> 00:09:07,233
Aren't all Filipinos bad, though?
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00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,533
Turns out they've never met
my friend from work.
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00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:12,133
He's one of the good Asians.
218
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,900
And that's "Hallelujah,"
written by Susan Boyle.
219
00:09:15,066 --> 00:09:16,767
Makes me feel sad as hell
every time you hear it.
220
00:09:16,934 --> 00:09:18,333
Before the day
that I reach my end.
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00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:20,667
I hope to meet
that ultimate guy friend.
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00:09:20,834 --> 00:09:22,767
He doesn't flee
whenever I enter.
223
00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:24,633
We study Sublime tabs
at Guitar Center.
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00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:28,867
What was that?
225
00:09:29,033 --> 00:09:30,233
The door.
226
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:31,667
Sounded like a slam.
227
00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,367
No, I think it was knocking
at the door.
228
00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:36,867
Calm down. It's--
You have to kill me!
229
00:09:37,033 --> 00:09:38,166
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
Please.
230
00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:39,767
Just do it.
I can't do it myself. Please.
231
00:09:39,934 --> 00:09:41,200
Put the gun away.
232
00:09:41,367 --> 00:09:43,900
I texted our friends.
They're our co-workers.
233
00:09:44,066 --> 00:09:45,600
They're here.
Go. Stay low.
234
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:47,433
Riley, be normal!
235
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,233
It's our co-workers.
See?
236
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,400
- Hi!
- Hi!
237
00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:53,266
New besties.
Are we interrupting?
238
00:09:53,433 --> 00:09:55,500
Sorry. I thought
you were someone else.
239
00:09:55,667 --> 00:09:58,100
Looks like you guys are
having a little poetry night.
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00:09:58,266 --> 00:09:59,200
You guys having fun?
241
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:00,767
Yeah.
242
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,400
Riley was just trying
out some of her new material.
243
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:03,900
That's great.
244
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,000
So, can I see your papers
245
00:10:07,166 --> 00:10:09,934
or talk to your steward, maybe?
246
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:11,000
What?
247
00:10:11,166 --> 00:10:13,633
Well, you're having
a slam poetry night,
248
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,600
so I assume
you're in the book.
Ooh!
249
00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:18,367
And you must have
your union cards on you?
250
00:10:18,967 --> 00:10:22,100
Unless we have a problem
we need to deal with?
251
00:10:22,266 --> 00:10:23,233
Oh, God.
252
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,433
You wouldn't be
trying to pull a...
253
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,166
a rat job, now,
would you?
254
00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:29,266
Sure looks like
a rat job to me.
255
00:10:29,433 --> 00:10:31,033
No, please.
Guys, come on. Are you...
256
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,934
Please don't slam me.
...fucking around?
257
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,166
Please don't slam me,
I respect the union.
258
00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:37,266
Stay still,
you lowlife scab!
259
00:10:37,433 --> 00:10:38,800
Please don't slam me.
260
00:10:38,967 --> 00:10:42,633
Please! No! Please!
Please don't slam me! Please!
261
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,000
Slam!
262
00:10:45,066 --> 00:10:46,500
Slam!
263
00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,133
Slam!
264
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,166
Slam!
265
00:10:49,333 --> 00:10:50,166
Slam!
266
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:51,033
Slam!
267
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,166
Slam!
268
00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:54,567
Run! Run!
Slam!
269
00:10:54,734 --> 00:10:56,467
Slam! Slam!
270
00:10:56,633 --> 00:10:58,600
Slam!
271
00:10:58,767 --> 00:10:59,700
Slam!
272
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:06,300
Say you're Hagrid.
I don't know, man.
273
00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,000
Look me in the eyes
and say you're Hagrid.
274
00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:09,633
I'll suck your dick
if you say you're Hagrid.
275
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,400
Come on.
Please, please!
276
00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:13,000
Hey, hey!
Please!
277
00:11:13,166 --> 00:11:14,600
I just need you
to say you're Hagrid!
278
00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:15,934
I would rather
hang myself...